hey you! yes, i am talking to you! how'd you find my online journal?
well, lucky you. you are now privy to my innermost thoughts and
feelings. well, most of them anyway.
and if by chance you know me, or know any of the people in my life, i ask you not to judge them based on what you see here. this is, after all, just my side of things.
lucky me, no work for this morning. all my work will be happening after lunch.
don't have that much to say right now, although i just felt like logging on to blog something. anything. aaarrgghh!!! am definitely becoming a blog addict. i would have logged in last night, but i guess i was too tired.
i got home past 11, i had just come from the CWG discussion group. we had dinner at Valle Verde Country Club, and of course i got lost on my way there. obviously, i found myself again, or else i would still be wandering the streets of Manila. or Pasig. i think. whatever. anyway, i enjoyed myself, as usual, and i feel even more hopeful about the future. not just my personal future, but about the future of humanity in general.
these are last week's questions, but i felt like answering them anyway.
1. When it comes to your online journal, do you write for yourself or for an audience? Why do you write in this manner? i write for myself, but i am conscious that i have an audience. i try to express myself in the best way i can. i like to write, and i like it when i can express myself clearly. on the other hand, sometimes its ok for me to just ramble on. depends on my mood, i guess.
2. What kinds of personal limits do you set for yourself when you "blog" -- content-wise (not gonna write about sexual exploits!),
practice-wise (no deleting of entries, no editing other than links/punctuation/grammar after half an hour of posting), otherwise? i try to avoid using names in my blog. although it does get kind of confusing sometimes. i don't want somebody who reads my blog and happens to know me or any of the people in my life to form judgments about them based on what i wrote. also, i write about things that i am comfortable sharing with the world. if i feel like letting out my feelings on something i consider private, i have a separate/private blog for that.
3. Have you ever gotten in trouble because of your online journal? If so, how? If not, in what ways can an online journal be potentially troublesome? nope. that's why i avoid names and such.
4. Have you met any interesting people purely through blogging? Who are they? Have you had any interesting relationships (not necessarily romantic) start because of blogging? In what ways were they interesting? not yet. i'm relatively a newbie when it comes to blogging. i only started this year, and my public journal has been out for only a month or so. now if you ask me the same question regarding the net, i'll have to give you a different answer.Ü i've been a chatter since late 1998 pa kasi.
5. Have any offline aspects of your life (offline friendships, work habits, sleeping habits, etc.) changed because of blogging? Why? sleeping habits maybe. my online life has perked up since i started blogging. meaning i am once again becoming an internet addict. i used to be one a couple of years ago, and then i successfully recovered through the MARP or mIRC addict rehabilitiation program. (hehe.Ü hope you can tell that i'm just pulling your leg on that one. if you can't, then woe is you.Ü ) anyway, like i was saying, i am a recovered chat addict, but now i'm dangerously close to becoming a blog addict. uh-oh.
6. Do you tell everyone that you have an online journal? If not, who do you choose to tell? well, not EVERYone. i don't go out and pass flyers to strangers on the street. i don't buy ad space in any newspapers, or broadcast it on radio or TV. (hehe.Ü i guess i'm in a sarcastic/weird type of humor today.) i tell my friends, mostly because i want them to read something in particular that i wrote, or because they're online people also, and might want to check out my blog. and i guess joining webrings and the like is a form of advertisement. right now i'm still in the process of getting the word out, and establishing a loyal fan base. (hehe.Ü like i keep saying, don't take me too seriously.)
7. Are there any particular online journals that you love to nitpick? Where and why? ;) i don't exactly nitpick anything. there are those which i enjoy reading each entry, and those i just visit every once in a while to see any new developments. like i said, since i'm new in the blog world, i'm still surfing and finding out which blogs i can relate to from the multitude of blogs out there.
that's it for now. stay tuned for new developments.Ü
You're Belle!
You are a true bookworm and dream of a life better than the simple, quiet one you lead now. Your good looks can attract the town jerks, but you manage to ignore them most of the time. Sometimes you feel like you're surrounded by idiots. So what are you waiting for? You don't need your father to be kidnapped to get out and see the world. Although you can be stubborn, you're also very compassionate and see beyond people's façades.
Silence is golden, and you know this well. At your heart you are a patient and kind optimist. You might need to learn to speak out, though, because sometimes if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.
Sebastian Valmont - You can't resist what you can't have. Because of this, you are smart and arrogant at the same time. You think of women as sex objects but all you need is the right girl to change you from the sick pervert that you are to someone who will readily die for love.
You have high standards for yourself, and try desperately to live up to them. But when you are unable to reach those goals, you fall into a deep depression. People see you as a brilliant person, yet inside, you are full of self-doubt and fear of failure. You need to set more reasonable goals.
you're american beauty. you're full of hope and appreciate the beautiful things in life.
take the which prettie movie are you? quiz, a product of the slinkstercool community.
i just watched Shrek. it is so much my story, down to the princess in her tower with my true love come to rescue me. i'm still waiting for my happy ending. *sigh*
and here are the lyrics to my favorite song in the soundtrack:
I'm A Believer Sung by Smash Mouth
Written by Neil Diamond
I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all my dreams
Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I tried
I thought love was more or less a giving thing
Seems the more I gave, the less I got
What's the use in trying
All you get is pain
When I needed sunshine, I got rain
Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I tried
while i was surfing last night, or early this morning to be more accurate, i chatted with a close friend. i asked him if i had already told him about my online journal. he said that i did, then he asked if i had written anything about him. well, if he checks, now i have. hehe.Ü
this blog is more about the events of my life, and not so much about the people in it. one of the reasons i started this new/public blog is to protect the privacy of those people.
i've been thinking about what i posted last night. if i keep treating this blog as a "press release", then i won't be really revealing my true self. only what i want others to think of me. i guess i'm planning to change that. maybe even change the title, the layout. will have to work on that first. same URL though. that's still me. i will still keep my old/private blog, probabaly as an outlet for some of my feelings.
1 minute ago: surfing through blogs, blogs, and more blogs
1 hour ago: still surfing through all those blogs
1 day ago: working? well, at this time yesterday, i was already asleep.
1 year ago: had just cleared things up with a pseudo-relationship and about to get to know someone better
words to describe the situation now: doing ok, looking forward to being really happy in the future (wish i knew when that will be)
things i want: joy, love and peace.Ü more concretely, right now i want more hours in a day, more days in a week. i would like more time to do the things i want.
songs i listened to: LSS (Last Song Syndrome) from Coyote Ugly, Can't Stop the Moonlight
things accomplished: uh... updating my blog yet again? does that count?
windows open: mIRC (just parking) and let's count 1, 2, 3... 8 windows of Internet Explorer
things around the computer: my mom's eyeglasses, a used internet prepaid card, a green jade rock thingie
thoughts of now: yipee! it's raining again. i'm kinda hungry. i really should be asleep right now.
e-mails: no unread messages. it's a sign that i'm online too often Ü
lyrics: none as of the moment
random: hmm...
spell your name backwards: ani
where do you live: in the southern part of Metro Manila
describe yourself in three words: sweet, fun-loving, happy
who is your worst enemy? some parts of myself... other than that, i don't have enemies
if you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be? *meow*
do you know what a spork is? yup. although the significance of this i don't comprehend.
what is the latest you've ever stayed up? does 2 straight months with an average of 2-4 hours of sleep a night count? i'm glad internship is over. i guess i've had a couple of days of no sleep sometime in my college life
ever been to belgium? nope. at least, not that i know of. hehe.
toothbrush? yes, i do. hehe. one of those with the bending tip, but not a branded toothbrush
jewelry worn daily: my watch on my left wrist, a bracelet on my right wrist
underwear: wouldn't you like to know ;)
shoes: barefoot
nail polish: pink toenails
handbag: i keep changing my bag. right now my stuff is in a small greenish backpack.
perfume: Dream by Gap
CD in stereo right now: i don't remember what i left in there. i would guess either No Doubt or Miss Saigon.
tattoos: wala eh.
piercings: one in each ear. although there was a time i wanted more than one.
current music: the hum of the electric fan
wearing: a white shirt and gray shorts
hair: tied back. wow, my hair is long enough to tie now! although as usual, when it reaches this length, i keep asking people advice on what to do with it. most people say keep it the way it is now, only one person said to cut it. oh well. but i digress. back to the survey.
makeup: just face poweder and lip balm, and only when i feel like it. my mom has to constantly bug me to powder my face. hehe.
in my mouth: my tongue?
in my head: my brain! at least, i sure hope so Ü
hearing: like i said, the hum of the electric fan. unfortunately, the patter of rain against the roof has stopped.
wishing: lots of wishes, but i'm still afraid to wish for something. right now i'm not sure what i want.
after this: i will finally get some sleep! such a blog addict i am. Ü
my goodness, i'm still here. been surfing through a ton of blogs. added a couple of links, will probly be adding more soon. hayy. good thing it's Sunday tomorrow, i mean, today.
why am i still up at this ungodly hour? i just got home from a reunion of sorts with my high school friends.
we're the type of friends who don't see or speak to each other very often, but still pick up where we left off once we are finally together again. lately i guess life has been busy for most of us, and we see each other rarely. so rarely in fact that i have Christmas gifts from last year and from the year before that that i haven't given them yet. we plan to hold a mid-year Christmas get together just to finally give each other those long overdue gifts.
we were reminiscing about our high school and elementary days. at the time, your problems seem so serious but now they seem so trivial when looking back. petty quarrels between friends, games at the playground, being punished by a teacher for whatever offense, and the like. after that, we turned to matters of the present. what we each are doing in our lives, our work, love life, and whatever other interesting events that have happened to us. it really made me feel old when we would ask how each other's younger siblings were doing, only to find out that the elementary kid back then is now in high school, or even worse, in college. that some younger siblings have graduated from college, others are driving cars, still others who were babies back then are now 10 years old! gosh that makes me feel old.
but some things are still the same. the birthday celebrant is still as thin as ever. our gimmickera girl arrived late because she had come from another party beforehand. another still has the same lack of a sense of direction, and can get lost going out of the village where she has lived for several years. and i? parts of me are still the same ina they used to know back then.
i remember what i posted earlier in a group blog. a friend i haven't seen for a year or so has heard from another friend that i'm different now. here is what i replied to her:
different? like how? but thinking about it, i guess all of us are different from the way we used to be. and that's a good thing. how sad for us if we would only stay the same, never growing and maturing despite the new and richer experiences in our lives. life is all about changing. it's up to us whether the change will be for good or for bad.
ayan tuloy, naging senti tuloy ako. pero maybe, i was like this all along, you guys just never knew it. there were times when i felt nobody really knew me, knew who i really was. because i guess i didn't really reveal myself. i remember one time in Alda's we were talking about this, and i promised to myself and to you guys to show more of myself.
i guess now i really am more open. a few years ago, i never would have thought i would have the guts to have an online journal. and now i have one! pero it's not the whole me. there are still layers of myself i am reluctant to bare to the world. that's why it's called bits and pieces: the press release. kasi press release version yon. meron pang mga kelangan itago ;)
life seemed to be so much simpler back then. but then again, i am happy where i am right now. and excited about what the future holds for me. Ü
i don't know, i just feel like answering these question thingies. i don't even know what to call them. oh well.Ü so here we go...
1. At a video store, someone is about to rent a movie you've seen. I'ts really bad. Do you say something? nope. because i have no idea what that other person's likes and dislikes are. besides, it's none of my beeswax.
2. Your former lover becomes famous. A tabloid offers you $50,000 for nude pictures and a "tell all." Do you sell? nope, because i don't have any nude pictures! tsk, sayang nga eh. (hehe. jk. Ü) seriously, of course i wouldn't sell. i loved that person and he deserves his privacy.
3. You decide not to hire someone because he's wearing a nose ring. When he asks why he didn't make it, do you give the real reason? yes. i'd rather be honest with him. besides, since i work with kids, i don't think the parents would appreciate it if i hired someone who was wearing a nose ring to work with their kids. and, given the kind of kids i work with, it would be a hazard to him. i don't think he would enjoy having his nose ring pulled out of his nose. eew! you would not want to see the mental picture i have right now of an autistic kid pulling out his teacher's nose ring.
what am i doing still up and online? hay naku, si ina talaga.
might as well do the Friday Five thingie again, although it's already officially Saturday.
1. What's the last vivid dream that you remember having? i still remember last night's dream. hmm. kinda weird. in my dream, my sister told me that she's a lesbian. that's why she isn't really interested in guys. gosh. she'd kill me if she ever read this. and just to set the record straight (no pun intended Ü), my sister isn't a lesbian. at least, i don't think so. (harhar) and not that i have anything against lesbians, i just don't think my sister is one. weird dream though.
2. Do you have any recurring dreams? yeah, dreams about getting lost somewhere. like a haunted house/maze sort of place. but i usually escape towards the end. also, i have dreams where i have to pee and i can't find a decent bathroom. sure enough, when i wake up, i really *do* have to pee. funny.
3. What's the scariest nightmare you've ever had? i'm not a nightmare sort of person. the scariest dream i remember was when i was really young, i dreamt that some bad guys went and shot my mom and captured my dad. my sister and i rescued my dad, although we couldn't do anything to save our mom. i remember waking up crying and looking for my mom.
4. Have you ever written your dreams down or considered it? Why or why not? yah, i do write them down in a dream notebook. i started it way back in 1997, then i stopped. then i started it again. then i stopped. and now i started it again. why i do it? wala lang, maybe i can find something useful in my dreams. if not, when i read what i wrote years later, there is entertainment value to say the least.
5. Have you ever had a lucid dream? What did you do in it? actually, my dreams are often lucid when i'm about to wake up. like the escaping from the haunted house thingie. basta what i do is try to find my way out of whatever situation i'm in or create what i want to happen in that situation.
and that's that. ok, i guess i have to sleep now since i still have work tomorrow. no, check that, i have work later today. have been pretty tired lately. lots of work. oh well.
hmm. something else i found somewhere here on the net. am not sure if i have it on my blog yet.
REALIZATIONS:
Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.
The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. TO LET GO OF SOMEONE DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STOP LOVING, IT ONLY MEANS THAT YOU ALLOW THAT PERSON TO FIND HIS OWN HAPPINESS WITHOUT EXPECTING HIM TO COME BACK. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return.
But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.
Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.
There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is though EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE.
Albert Einstein
(1879-1955)
aww shyucks. am such a sucker for stuff like this. well, i guess this stuff hits me because it's the TRUTH.
i have a hazardous job. yesterday one of my patients threw up on me. he was throwing a tantrum, and there wasn't any electricity, and he had just woken up. he cried himself into a vomit. on to my jeans.
then, the next patient after that accidentally cut my thumb while i was helping him hold the paper. i felt the pain but i thought my finger was fine. when i looked at it later, there was a small snip on the pad of my thumb.
all that in one day. lucky me.
the MMDA must have read my previous post and found a way to find me again. as i was driving down from the parking area in Megamall a few hours ago, there was an MMDA guy there who stopped me. i had forgotten to turn on the headlights just as i turned on to Edsa. damn.
unfortunately, i had a friend with me so the drama thing wouldn't have worked. i ended up getting a ticket. oh well. can't win 'em all.
Queen of Naboo. You could have a split personality - simply to hide who you really are. You are extremely polite and gentle. However, if needs be, you will take action and can be a very good leader. You have the power to make people believe in you - use this power. The one you love could also end up being the one you hate.
taong gala talaga ako recently. this is the third straight day i've been out.
after work on Friday, i went to Rockwell with friends from work. we watched Episode II. medyo lost ako since i haven't watched Episode I yet tapos late pa kami dumating. oh well. we looked around for a coffee place afterward and ended up at a Starbucks somewhere in Makati. the first few places we went to were full! syempre, Friday night eh.
yesterday after work, i drove to Megamall to meet my chatter friends. they had just finished watching Episode II. we had dinner at Cibo.
and today, i went to Manila, helped my sister move her stuff from her apartment to her new dorm.and now, like i said, am at Galleria. o diba, taong gala talaga? Ü
wala lang, it's just so nice to be out with my friends. Ü
yipee! Ü
i finally finished typing the lecture. that's what i get for logging on to the internet when i know i'm supposed to be finishing something. oh well. i got it done anyway.
1. What shampoo do you use? Lux Super Rich. i started using it when i borrowed some from my bestfriend during an overnight gimmick. i spent the whole ride home smelling my own hair... ang bango! Ü
2. Do you use conditioner? What kind? nope. unless i sometimes use the shampoo with conditioner of White Rain. but i like the smell of Lux better.
3. When was the last time you got your hair cut? hmm. maybe January? am not sure. actually, for me that is my eternal question. should i get my hair cut? whenever i ask that, my family members roll their eyes and say, "here she goes again." whenever my hair starts growing longer, i agonize over whether to cut it or grow it out. oh well. i'm at that stage again. so far everyone i've asked advise me to just keep it at this length. (chin length)
4. What styling products do you use? none. used to use the Fix Water Creme thingie from Bench. sometimes i use gel when i have to really dress up. wish i knew how to fix my hair! the last time i went out dressed up, my sister picked my outfit and did my makeup. i asked her, "what about my hair?" her curt reply: "i don't do hair." ok fine.
5. What's your worst hair-related experience? i can't really think of one. will have to get back to you on that one.
and yet another Pex post. this time i won't call it anonymous, in case the author happens to stop by here again. Ü
Stages of a Broken Heart, and How to Cure It
Stage One: Shattering
The tumultuous feelings of "shattering," the first stage of a broken heart, are both temporary and necessary for healing. To cope with this stage, follow these steps:
1. Stay in the moment. During an emotional crisis, you need to learn how to function as best you can. Staying in the moment is the healthiest way to live while coping with devastating circumstances. Blast your favorite music and sing along, or go for a drive with the windows rolled down and feel the wind across your face. Use the sensations of life to give you a momentary respite from your fears and sorrow.
2. Get ready for time management. When your relationship is torn, just getting through each day may seem like a full-time job. To manage the
Intense feelings, structure your time productively. Fill your days with lunch dates, outings, movies, and massages. Even your job offers a hidden benefit: Work becomes "occupational therapy." Good pain management means planning constructive activities to carry you through the most difficult periods of each day.
3. Take it one day at a time. You may feel as if your future has suddenly gone up in smoke, but remind yourself that hopelessness is a feeling, not fact. Overcome your fears by living fully today rather than worrying about tomorrow. As hard as it might be to believe right now, your future will eventually be filled with love again.
4. Stay strong on your own. Use your temporary isolation to learn how to stand on your own two feet. Build emotional self-reliance -- something long overdue for most of us.
5. Pamper your wounds. Abandonment can feel like "knife wound to the heart." Indeed, you have sustained a personal injury. Like any other wound, it needs to be well tended, pampered, and healed. Give yourself time and care.
6. Reach out to supportive friends and family. "People need people," especially while going through a loss of love. And wouldn’t you be there for them? Of course, you would.
7. Ask for an ear. Instead of seeking advice, ask your friends to just listen to your feelings. Advice can make you feel worse, as if it's a sign of weakness that you're in this much pain. Yet, heartache is not your fault. What you need most is support, companionship, and understanding.
8. Set up an abandonment support group. Connect with others going through similar experiences to gain mutual support.
9. Keep a daily journal. Writing leads to self-discovery keeps you focused on positive thoughts and strengthens your resolve to turn this painful time into a growth experience.
10. Seek mentors, counselors, spiritual leaders, and experts. These people will help you gain access to knowledge beyond your own and expand your mindscape. This is also a good time to get into therapy, since your feelings are raw and you're open to help.
Stage Two: Withdrawal
Withdrawal is when you need a love fix and can't get it. These steps will help you work through the wrenching feelings of this second stage of abandonment.
1. Resist the temptation to contact your ex. The yearning and longing for love is intense during this stage. In spite of the torment, don’t look to your ex for support. Repeated contact can cause re-wounding, which can hurt more than the initial breakup.
2. Honor your feelings. Your hurt feelings won't just be willed away, in spite of the messages you receive from your well-intentioned friends and family. They love to tell you to just forget about your ex. If only it were that easy! Give yourself time and acceptance to work through these feelings.
3. Learn to become self-nurturing. A hidden benefit of abandonment is getting to know your emotional self -- your inner child -- the part of you that is hurting, needing, and afraid. Lovingly administer to this long-neglected part of yourself.
4. Don't confuse self-nurturing with self-indulging. Don't let self-indulging hurt your pocketbook or your diet. Instead, think of indulgences that will replenish your body's resources, like walking, yoga, the gym, a workshop, or journaling.
5. Strengthen your adult self. "Big you" needs to get stronger to take care of "Little You." Become the best adult you are capable of being. Rise to the top of your wisdom and maturity to manage the emotional turbulence and guide your recovery to safety. This is how heartbreak transforms us into stronger, more emotionally intact adults.
6. Recognize that you are grieving. You are going through a loss of love, loss of lifestyle and a loss of person. Your grief is as painful and consuming as someone grieving a death is, but abandonment grief is not validated by society. You must do that for yourself.
7. Check your "Always and never” thinking. Heartbreak sends us into catastrophic, either/or thinking categories: "I'll always be alone" or "I'll never be happy again." Reassure yourself that your situation is temporary.
8. Don't self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. Withdrawal from love is just like heroin withdrawal. Both involve the body’s opiate system, but instead of craving a drug, your body is craving your lost love. Be careful: Alcohol and drugs may dull the pain temporarily, but during this period, you are highly prone to developing alcoholism and addiction.
9. Offset your loss by adding new people, places and things to your life. While you're adding, be sure to gain something other than weight or hangovers. You are looking to gain new friends, new insights, new interests, and new regimens that enhance your life.
10. Be gentle with you. When you're going through the stress of a breakup, your limbic brain automatically goes into self-defense mode, creating powerful hormonal and biochemical changes in your body. You feel wasted and washed out because your body is reacting as if you were fighting a powerful internal enemy. You'll need more R & R than usual.
Stage Three: Internalizing
During the "internalizing” phase, you believe you deserve or have caused the "bad" things that happened to you, and blame yourself for the breakup. This causes you to question your self-worth and devalue yourself as a man or woman. During this critical third stage is when your wound can become infected and permanent scarring can set in. Follow these steps to avoid the effects of internalizing:
1. Stop turning the rage against yourself. Beating yourself up only injures your self-esteem. Fight self-doubt with all your might.
2. Learn something positive. We all learn from our mistakes. Take responsibility for your side of the equation. Rather than blaming yourself, use your lessons learned to work toward becoming your higher self.
3. Take your ex off the pedestal. In spite of what you believe right now, your ex is as neither irreplaceable nor as special as you think. Stop idealizing your ex at your own expense.
4. Honor yourself. Recapture the power you've lost to your ex by making yourself the special new object of your devotion.
5. Face your reality and accept its challenge. Think of your current emotional crisis as exactly where you need to be to work on yourself.
6. Create a daily regimen. Develop a strategy for moving in a positive direction and follow it daily, even when you don't feel like moving a muscle. Going through healthy motions will eventually make you feel better and help you reach your goals. The motto "fake it until you make it" pays off in the end.
7. Make a new resolution every day and keep it. Maintain confidence that each positive action will eventually lead to success.
8. Don't fault yourself for feeling emotional pain. The strongest, most independent people feel intense sorrow and fear when their love connections are threatened. These lingering feelings are universal, even though most people don't show them publicly. Although your friends and family may say, "Just get over it," recognize that your pain is part of being human and that it takes time. It's not your job to recover on your friends' timeframe.
9. Give yourself a positive stroke every day. Look to see how you've handled today differently than yesterday. Give yourself credit for the strengths you are developing, your independent strides and positive actions. On a particularly bad day, embrace yourself just for surviving.
10. Fill your mind with enlightenment. Meet positive people, read enlightening books and attend interesting seminars and workshops. Take advantage of every growth opportunity available to you.
Stage Four: Rage
Rage heralds the beginning of recovery. This fourth stage is when you begin to reverse the rejection, take back your power and take on the challenges of the outside world.
1. Rage doesn't mean you have to get revenge against your ex. Remember, the best revenge is success.
2. Watch your moves. Anger spurts out of control during this turbulent time. As agitated and impatient as you feel, be careful not to take your rage out on innocent bystanders (including friends who, in their own imperfect way, are only trying to help).
3. Start turning it around. Invest your aggressive energy into turning this difficult time into one of personal triumph. Commit to positive change.
4. Take back control. Don't put your life on hold waiting for your ex to come back or change. It's time to will you to move forward.
5. Get ready to forgive. If you’re still feeling "wronged," you might not be ready to make the leap all the way to complete forgiveness. Here's a twist: Imagine asking your ex to forgive you for using him/her to abuse yourself.
6. Don't suppress your rage -- channel it positively. Properly directed rage can mobilize action, fuel new projects, help you change old routines and explore new avenues to wellness. Use your rage to go after your old self-defeating patterns to an unusual extent and revamp your life.
7. Identify your relationship patterns. Vow to break the patterns that have kept you on the outside of love in previous relationships.
8. Conquer new territory. Take a trip to a new environment that will support the new you, free from all of the old reminders. Use this time to regroup and establish new goals.
9. Reclaim old territory. Reclaim some of the territory lost in the breakup. Re-experience some of your sacred places with a new friend or by yourself to discover your ability to celebrate life without your ex.
10. Create your own closure for the relationship. Write your ex a letter, expressing all of your feelings, stating your own reasons for choosing to separate. Then decide whether or not to send it. Either way, set firm boundaries with your ex, ending the relationship on your terms.
Stage Five: Lifting
"Lifting" is when you rise back into life and get ready to love again. The external changes you've been making in your hairstyle, car, clothes, and weight signal to the world that you're making even more significant changes on the inside. During lifting, these changes pay off. To promote the new you:
1. Step outside of your life. Discover new interests, capabilities and aspects of your personality beyond your usual circle of friends and activities.
2. Think of your previous relationship as boot camp. You’ve learned its lessons. Now you're finally ready to...
3. Get back out there. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but put the word out that you're ready to go public as a single person. Take advantage of every opportunity that surrounds you with people.
4. Reach out to at least 10 new people. Include those who might share some of your interests as well as those whose interests extend your own.
5. Do not dismiss new connections to which you're not attracted. Your goal in this step is not to fall in love. It is to discover your emerging new interests and strengths through meeting and getting to know a variety of people.
6. Do not clamp onto any one person. Your intense emotional needs at this time alter your judgment about who is right for you. There's a temptation to be attached to the first person that takes your aloneness away. Yet, sometimes that first person turns out to be the wrong one. Committing yourself to seeing a variety of people will allow you to stay connected without having to attach to any one person.
7. Share your true feelings with at least three new connections. People who can listen and understand without judgment do exist. If you think there's no one out there you can trust, you haven't looked in the right places. Your job is to go find them.
8. Be rigorously honest. Come clean about how you have contributed to the problems in your relationship. When you admit your own culpability, you are cleansing your abandonment wound by discovering that people still love and accept you. Breaking the shame barrier redeems your self-esteem and deepens your healing.
9. Surrender to your losses of the past. Make a conscious effort to be in the moment, fully present with others.
10. Become your "higher self." Make deeper connections with those who bring out the best in you, motivate you to reach your goals, support your convictions, share your highest values and make you feel good about who you are becoming.
Stage Six: Finding Love Again
Now that you’ve journeyed through the steps of heartbreak, here are some pointers for overcoming your barriers to love and intimacy and finding love again.
1. Be willing to change your values. You may have been choosing people on the basis of attraction, status or other false values stemming all the way back to junior high school. Consider finding new attributes attractive: person's ability to be emotionally open, to admit to their vulnerabilities, to be fully present.
2. Choose people who are seeking relationships rather than romances. The difference is subtle. Determine if they are able to be emotionally constant or if they are just looking for emotional highs. Avoid those who base their attachment to you on infatuation rather than commitment, those who pull away when the infatuation subsides. Find those who are safe to attach to.
3. Be suspicious of you. If you find that you only want someone who is a "challenge," this may be your own way of avoiding relationships.
4. Don't resist commitment. If you feel engulfed and want to run when someone is willing to commit to you, consider that it may just be your own fear of abandonment. The key is to hang in long enough to work through your feelings of resistance.
5. Avoid getting into emotional entrapments. Don't become involved with someone who is not available or dangles you on an emotional string. These negative attractions are often more compelling than positive ones -- and often harder to break. If you're in one, it will take all of your willpower and lots of outside support to get out.
6. Stay away from emotional candy. Instead, seek people who offer emotional sustenance rather than the "right chemistry." Choose those you can trust, respect and revere -- people with integrity who are able to commit.
7. Seek mutuality rather than the game of "emotional pursuit.” If you start to become critical of your partner and second-guess your choice, consider that some ambivalence is normal. Your perfectionism and unrealistic expectations might be blocking you from achieving intimacy. Perhaps you're having a problem adjusting to the healthy dynamics of a mutual relationship.
8. Be open to love. Love is sometimes not what you might expect. It is often invisible -- the guy next to you at work, the woman you let get away last time because you felt no "chemistry." Don't be ruled by attraction alone. Love is all around you, but it's up to you to recognize it.
9. Be vulnerable. Your vulnerabilities are worth sharing and may be the very reason significant others are able to connect and feel comfortable with you.
10. Turn love into an action verb. Don't expect love to be something that you just fall into. Love is an action not a feeling. A mature relationship happens when two people commit to active caring, sharing, and showing one another love.
felt like a bit of a commodity earlier. but in a good way. Ü
i arrive home, and one of our neighbors greets me happily "Hi, Ate Ina!" and comes up to give me a hug. (in case you're wondering, our neighbor is a four year old girl. another of our neighbors says to her, "dati ko pa yan kilala. ako ang nauna. bleh! =Þ "
i guess i should have known that tears can really come in handy at times.
the other day i was driving home from work, and i got caught trying to beat a red light when making a left turn. the policeman asked me to bring my car to the side and asked for my license. so i gave him my license, or at least what i thought was my license. the guy was already hinting at some sort of bribe.
"ano, ticket-an na natin ito? ok lang? mag-aattend ka pa ng seminar nito." innocent me played dumb.
"kayo po bahala. hindi ko po alam eh. kung ano po talaga ang dapat, ngayon lang naman ako nahuli."
actually, the part about not getting caught/stopped by a traffic aide before is true. until this other guy comes to see what is taking so long, and he examines my license. or like i said earlier, what i thought was my license. it turns out that all i had was the official receipt, and no temporary license. but what could i do, that was all they had given me at the LTO. so this other guy starts saying stuff.
"naku, driving without a license. mas malaking traffic violation yan." innocent me still playing dumb and not offering to give them money or anything.
"samahan mo na nga ito dun sa [some police station or LTO station or something] dun sa Intramuros." the MMDA guy then asks me to open the door to the passenger's side, and he would take me to whatever place that was he had said.
uh-oh. at that point i had much more than i had bargained for. although i did open the door, i was extremely uncomfortable in letting someone i didn't know ride with me. who knows where he would have taken me? so guess what i did.
i started crying. real tears, but drama tears nonetheless. the MMDA guys started panicking a bit. they started speaking more loudly and looking around.
"traffic violation lang yan. hindi ka naman makukulong. wag ka na umiyak."
"eh ano pong magagawa ko? yun lang naman talaga ang binigay sa akin eh, sabi nila ok na yon. hindi ko naman alam na hindi pa yon yung lisensya ko." i grab a tissue and start wiping the tears falling down my face. and then one of the MMDA guys give in. he tells the other guy to come out of the passenger's side.
"o sige na, wag ka na umiyak. ganito ang gawin mo. puntahan mo yung pinagkuhanan mo ng lisensya tapos kunin mo yung temporary license. yung malapad na papel na may picture mo don. wag ka na magmamaneho na wala yon. kung na-aksidente ka, ikaw ang kawawa nyan." the guy hands back my so-called license/official receipt. i wipe my eyes dry and thank him. and then i drive off.
after a few minutes, i turn the radio on and start singing along. tears can really come in handy when you want them to.
another of those anonymous Pex posts. i think this one is going around on email, too.
(well, i guess this isn't so anonymous anymore. i would never have expected the author to happen to stop by my blog.)
I am an EX
Now I have an idea why people make such a big deal about exes. Y'know...stuff like, getting over the ex.
Dealing with the ex. Being friends with the ex. Being the ex. I am an ex.
I know that it's stupid -- and silly -- to sound as if my whole life
revolved around being somebody's ex-girlfriend. But I can't help it...that title packs a pretty strong punch. I am now an official member of the "loved-and-lost" club. And while it's a title I
don't exactly want, I have to admit that it does say some things about me.
I am an ex.
I once loved someone who loved me back. But he didn't want to stay... So I had to let him go. I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights wondering what went wrong, muffling my sobs with my pillows so my parents wouldn't suspect that something was amiss. I'd reminisce about our happy times, then break down when I'd realize that he was no longer mine.
I analyzed every single detail of our breakup. I wrote long e-mails to my closest friends. I talked endlessly about my situation. I spent my nights in tearful telephone conversations and my days in daydreams where we'd end up in each other's arms again.
Sometimes he was still my angel, still my knight in shining armor who I'd do anything for just to have back. But sometimes, I saw him as the devil incarnate who broke my heart in the worst possible way, and who deserved to be horsewhipped at the very least.
I told myself that it was all for the better. That this was what was best for the both of us. That this was God's plan. My friends offered similar advice, none of which I hadn't heard before:
"It's a sign that you're not meant for each other," "When God closes a door, He opens a window," "Someone better is coming for you," "There are so many other fish in the sea," etc. But it didn't work. Because deep down, I still believed that he was the one,the only one. And I couldn't understand how this was all for the better... when every day seemed more torturous than the
last... not being able to be with him the way I wanted to be, seeing him so unaffected, and dealing with my broken-and-smashed heart and my bruised ego.
I tried to immerse myself in other activities to forget about him. I went out a lot. I filled my schedule with movie marathons, shopping sprees, and Dance Maniax. It worked for a while... but then there were times - times when my mind was cleared of the busy thoughts I tried to occupy it with -- that I would think of him. His memory would sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in my most vulnerable moments.
I tried to show the world that I was OK. That I was over him. That it was fine just being friends. I didn't go around
with a big "X" on my forehead, nor did I go around with puffy eyes and a tissue box. I tried to live my life as I knew it before I met him. People thought that I was doing great. They heard me laugh and they saw me smile; I seemed happy, they said; and I told myself that I was. But in the solace of my room, where I tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my feelings,
I had to admit to myself that I wasn't truly happy. Because I was still yearning for someone, and my heart still ached for something that could not be. It's been over 1 year since we broke up,surprisingly, things have gotten better. I've changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized that he wasn't
the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up. And I've become stronger,older, wiser. He's changed as well -- when I look
at him, sometimes I still see the boy I fell in love with. Sometimes I think that he's the same person... he still has the same goofy smile and mischievous charm that I fell for, and I like to believe that the rest of him is unchanged as well. But then I take a closer look and I realize that he HAS changed... that I don't know him anymore, not really... not enough to love and care for him as I once did.
I am an ex.
I've loved and lost. I've cried tears for the things that were and that could have been. I've wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate, of jealousy, of frustration. I've simultaneously taken down and brought up my pride. I've tried to rebuild my world without the person whom it used to revolve around. I've tried to save myself from the depths of depression and self-pity, and when I couldn't do that, I turned to God for help. I don't know exactly what I gained, or how much I lost. Maybe someday it will be all clear to me... then again, maybe not.
i talked to a common friend about him. at the time, i felt that if i had spoken to her before we became a couple, i might have been "warned" and not have to go through what i went through. although she did tell me that he probably did really love me. i was wondering about that kasi. this morning, i told her through text that i think it was for the best that i wasn't able to talk to her about him before we became a couple. if i had, i might not have had the courage to let go and fall in love. i would not have experienced what it is to love, and how happy i was when we were together. i wouldn't have had the pain, but i wouldn't have had the good times either. and i wouldn't have had the growth.
hinulaan ako ng isa kong friend. what struck me was what he said when he read my palm. he said something about the lines on my right being deeper than the lines on my left. he said i was an idealist but that something had happened recently that made me rethink my ideals and my life. which was obviously true.
he also said something about my tendency to think about things and continually analyze them. he said that at times it would be better if i could just let things be instead of overanalyzing them.
he also said i had no destiny line. people with no destiny lines already have everything they could have. it's just a matter of recognizing it within yourself and bringing it out. he used the board exams as an example. like, it was a given that i would pass the boards. whether i would just scrape through or come out on top was up to me. and i felt that was so true. and very empowering to know.
i told another friend only a few details of our story. he said it seemed to be just a case of pride and misunderstanding that got in the way. he also said feeling niya babalik siya. i said that i didn't want to hope for it anymore, not expect anything from him. he also helped me to focus on the love that existed, instead of the fear and the pride that got in the way towards the end. he said he felt both happy and sad for me, happy that i was able to experience that growth, but sad about what i had to go through.
random thoughts from other friends:
there are somethings you are better off not knowing.
better things are always in store for you.
don't punish yourself.
pwede ka mag-move on na nanjan ka pa rin. we talked about the fear that if and when he does come back, i won't be there for him anymore.
i do not have to be the one to guide him back. he has to make the choice on his own.
life can be like a never-ending game of snakes and ladders. you can keep on experiencing the ups and downs of life and never reach the end. it would only stop when you decide to quit. you can go in cycles, repeat patterns of living until you decide that you don't want to anymore. and then you just stop.
i came to realize that he has a pattern of walking away and not looking back. i saw that he had deep-seated hurt from his past relationships, and i wanted to be able to heal that with him. but now i feel as if i am part of that hurt. hayy.
i also realized that i feel best when i continue to love him. instead of trying to hate him, or dwelling on what he did or what he might have should have could have would have done if he loved me, i just love him for who he is. i should remember that we are all trying our best, and we all make mistakes. sometimes after something happens, our best changes and we can do better. but until that happens, we are all doing the best we can. so there should not be any blame on either side. just love. because anything that isn't love is an illusion. love is the only thing that is.
right now, i don't know what i want. so i just have to surrender. i don't always have to "do" something to change a situation. changing my way of thinking is enough. and having faith in the process.
i am just rambling on and on right now. it is hard to organize realizations and insights. but it isn't organization that is important, it is internalization of these insights. that i comprehend them on an emotional and spiritual level, not just on an intellectual level.
i am so lucky to have such great friends. i was back together with my chatter friends last night. such a happy, funny group. how do you describe a group vibe? we were all having a great time, laughing and reminiscing about the "good old chatting days". why is it that it is so difficult to describe having a good time, when i can easily describe pain and misery? oh well. basta, we had fun. stayed up talking and drinking till the wee hours of the morning.
i also had a couple of conversations, "macking" in chat terms. it helped me deal with what has happened recently and helped me with some of my realizations about the process.
i was able to get home in time for the 9am mass. natuwa naman si Mommy na nakauwi ako ng maaga. it's Mother's Day.Ü after church, we had lunch at Whistlestop. i was kinda sleepy, but it was nice to be out with my family.
i texted him yesterday though.
happy birthday. hope you find lasting fulfillment, love, and happiness in your life. take care always. i didn't sign my name at the end. after sending that, i felt some sense of relief. that by wishing the best for him, i was actually also wishing the best for myself. and bringing myself one step closer to reaching it.
i'm still blogging while i'm supposed to be typing an evaluation. oh well.
may gimmick ako after work tomorrow. it will be nice to see some of my friends again. my only problem is that these friends are our common friends. so they know him. it will be the first time for me to see them again na hindi na kami.
and to top it all off, it's his birthday today. hayy.
hey! i finished my puzzle yesterday. yay for me! now i have to disassemble it and wait for my sister to finish it before i have it framed. oh well. she better finish it quickly.
i really should use that notebook i started carrying around in my bag. there are these moments when i suddenly have an insight or realization about my life. i always hope to remember it, and put it in my blog but i never get to do so. not that i forget the insight, it's just the exact words that i forget. the insight itself becomes a part of me and how i live my life. well, hopefully.
i also used to have a notebook for my dreams. each morning i would reach over and scribble whatever dream remnants i remembered while half-asleep. i guess i don't have the time to do that anymore. that only works for me when i am not woken up by an alarm and when i have time to wake up leisurely.
well, this morning definitely was not a leisurely rising. i woke up at the exact time that i was supposed to be leaving the house. oh well. i was a bit late, but at least i was able to inform my patient's mom that i was running late. fortunately, the traffic wasn't too bad so i was only 30 minutes late.
on the other hand, this afternoon, i arrived too early at a patient's house. they had visited the hospital and were not back yet. i left and went to Powerbooks in nearby Alabang Town Center to while away the time. when i arrived there, my patient's mom called and said that they had arrived home already. i said that i would be back during my usual time. oh well. that's what i get for not calling first.
at Powerbooks, i browsed through At The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coelho. i liked the book, but i liked The Alchemist more. maybe because i was able to take my time reading The Alchemist. i had to browse quickly since i had to get back to my patient after an hour.
more about books... i finally dropped by Libris Books. i've been eyeing that place for a while but i haven't had the opportunity to go there. it was a cozy place, with bookshelves covering most of the walls. well, what else should i expect? anyway, i found A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson. the books at Libris are cheaper than those at Powerbooks etal. although they don't carry that many titles. and their fiction books are all lumped together so it's difficult to look for a particular author or book. the owner was very friendly. he gave me his business card, and his name looked familiar. turns out he's a member of the bookclub of Pinoyexchange. well, not that i'm technically a member since i've never gone to any of the meetings. i'm just an egroup member, and a lurker at that. oh well. maybe when they decide on a book that i like. i guess The Art of War just isn't my cup of tea.
You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.
You are trying to improve your position and prestige - be it in your life or in your workplace. Things are, at this time, OK - but they could be better. You feel that it is essential that you break down any opposition that could possibly lurk in the shadows. You know that you are quite capable of achieving this set goal because you have to and because it is essential to your self esteem.
You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all.
The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence, the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.
You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.
i did it again, switching the last two colors. the first three paragraphs were the same. here are the last two:
There is considerable amount of stress present in your life at this time and this is perhaps due to some considerable mental and physical frustration. There are various physical needs that are necessary for your well-being but whatever the reasons - mostly of your own making - your needs are not being fulfilled. We wonder why? You are under the impression that nobody seems to care for you. This predicament is most uncomfortable and it is because of this that you are experiencing far more stress than you feel you can cope with. You need to find a soul mate - someone who truly understands you and whose standards are as high as your own. As matters stand you would like to break away from the vicious cycle that you find yourself entrapped but this is easier said than done. You refuse to compromise with your opinions and essentially you are unable to resolve the situation because you are continually postponing the making of the necessary decision. You are stubborn but this should be no deterrent experiencing a happy life.
You are completely worn out and you are not in the mood for any further demands on your resources. The situation - such as it is - has rendered you quite helpless, unable to continue the mental battle that you have been pursuing for some considerable time. Enough is enough. All you would like to do now would be to have some time for yourself, to find a peaceful situation where you can recuperate in your own time.
" Nothing you love is lost; not really. Things, people - they always go away, sooner or later. You can't hold them, any more than you can hold moonlight. But if they've touched you, if they're inside you, then they're still yours. The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart."
-- from a post somewhere in Pex. wish i could find out where this quote came from.
You are Civilian Calvin! You don't get to travel much outside your neighborhood, but you still manage to get in plenty of trouble. When you're not acting up, you like to wax philosophical. Take the What Calvin are You? Quiz
“I guarantee that there’ll be tough times. I guarantee that there’ll be one day when one or both of us would want to get out. But I also guarantee that if I do not ask you to be mine, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life ‘coz I know in my heart, you’re the only one.”
Everybody was sighing as we watched Julia Roberts say these lines to Richard Gere in an unromantic setting --- the balcony of a building in bustling New York city ---in the movie Runaway Bride. A few scenes before that, it was Richard who said the same lines to Julia, likewise in an unromantic scenario, as they were talking about how people propose marriage.
And what were people saying while they were watching these scenes? “How wonderful it is to be in-love…”
True enough, when we were teenagers it was a question which we loved to answer in slumbooks. It remains a topic that creates giggles and shrieks whenever friends talk about it.
But does one really know what is love? We often mistake it for a crush, an infatuation or sometimes, even for the sheer joy of companionship. Sometimes, we think it’s that feeling that we have when our hearts continue throbbing hard when we see that special person. Or when our knees start to shake and begin to weaken.
But can one really define love? I don’t think so, not even the ones who think they have felt it, or those who are feeling it, or those who hope they will feel it. Not even my philosophy teacher. Because love is not something that you define . . . it’s a decision.
When you feel that you love one person, how can you tell that he or she won’t feel the same way for the next person who comes along? Love is not a feeling, it is a decision. ‘Coz, love, when it’s a feeling, is something that floats in the air, something that you can not touch or dare to comprehend.
Love, when it’s a decision, makes it solid, makes it a commitment, makes it more lasting and more real.
You can feel that you can be in love 20 million times in a day, but when you decide to be in love, you can only decide to be on love with one person once in your lifetime. You commit and you hold on to that decision. And when you turn back on that decision, it means you were never in love in the first place.
Love should never fade. Because when it does, it means it’s just an emotion. Love will never fade because a decision, once done, is something you stand up for and fight for --- no matter what.
What does “I love you” mean? Some people find it easy to say the words but what really matters is being ready to stand up for it when you say those words. Are you ready to face all the consequences after saying those magical words?
If you can “I love you” long after all the tough times, all the good times and after all the words that come hurting you, then the meaning of those words becomes real.
Of course, I still believe in those words…but I myself am afraid to say them. I know there will come a time when I won’t be afraid of those words coming out of my mouth. When I will be strong enough to fight for love again. And I can say the words “no matter what.”
Saying “I love you” is a major decision in one’s life. Those words should be sacred, should be kept in your heart until you are ready to commit, to fight for that feeling and to stand by those words.
Is love a product of destiny? No, I believe there’s no such thing as destiny. Destiny can actually be a coincidence, it can actually be a wrong sign of some turn of events.
I believe that destiny is likewise a product of your choice. You choose your destiny. Thus if love is a product of destiny, then you choose to love, you decide to love. Your destiny is the path that you chose to take.
I guarantee that there will be tough times. Going back to the movie line that made everyone sigh: Yes, it is a decision to commit, it is a decision to love, you should realize that there will be tough times and there will come a time when you would want to get out.
And when you realize that love comes with all things good or bad, then you know what love really is.
But there is love…
Everyone waits for love to come into his life. You do not even have to know the meaning of love. Because even without someone to love, there is a love truly waiting for you. A love greater than anything that one wants to feel, greater than what one hopes to happen. Lack of love should not create a feeling of emptiness inside you because there is always this Someone who will fill it up for you. Jesus Christ.
---------------
A Prayer To Love
Lord, let me know what love really is.
And when I do, let me realize that it is not always a bed of roses.
Because even roses have thorns, and thorns hurt you.
And when I long for love, let me realize that there is one great love waiting for me.
May be not here, but in Your Hands.
hello again, blog. it seems that there are so many things i want to share with you, but once i finally log on and go online, i forget whatever it is that i had to say.
i'm doing ok. really. but it seems that the past two nights i have been sad, regretting the past and wondering about the future. i also finally read Book 4 of The Sword of Truth series: Temple of the Winds. there was a certain passage in the Temple of the Winds that i could relate to so much and made me cry, remembering him and what we had shared.
(p.710)"it's because of Lord Rahl, isn't it? you still think he's coming back, dont you? you want him to come back."
"if Richard was going to come back, he'd have done so by now."
"maybe it's the plague, maybe he isn't finished ridding the magic of the plague. maybe when he's finished, he will return. Mother Confessor, you do want him to return, don't you?"
"i'm married to Drefan. i have a husband."
"that isn't what i asked you. you do want him to return. you must want him to come back."
"he said he would always love me. he said his heart would always be mine. he promised. he walked away. i may have -- hurt him, but if he really loved me, he wouldn't do this to me. he'd have given me a chance..."
"but you still want him back."
"no. i don't ever want to go through this kind of pain again. i don't want ever to leave myself open to this much hurt. i was wrong ever to let myself fall in love with him in the first place. i don't want him to come back."
"i don't believe you. you're just upset, as i get because Raina died. but if she came back, i'd forgive her for dying and take her back in a heartbeat."
"not Richard. i'll not trust my heart to him again. regardless of what i did, that doesn't make it right for him to hurt me as he did. he just walked away from me, and after he'd made promises of always loving me no matter what. he failed me in that test. i never thought he would hurt me like that. i thought my heart was safe with him, no matter what, but it wasn't."
"Mother Confessor, you don't mean that. you don't. trust works both ways. if you really loved him, then you must trust in him, no matter what, just as you expected him to always trust in you."
"i can't, Berdine. it hurts too much. i'll not put myself through it again. it doesn't matter anyway. it's been weeks. the plague is long over. Richard is never coming back."
"look, i don't know exactly what happened up on the mountain, but you ask yourself this: if the situation were reversed, if you were in his place, how would you feel?"
"don't you think i do that every moment of every day? i know how i'd feel. i'd feel betrayed. i'd never forgive me, if i were him. i'd hate me, just as i know he does."
"no, that isn't true. he doesn't hate you. Lord Rahl may be confused, or hurt, but he could never hate you."
"he does. he hates me for what i did. that's the other reason i could never take him back-- i hurt him too much. how could i ever look him in the eye again? i couldn't. i could never ask him to trust me again."
"don't close your heart, Kahlan. please don't do that. you are a sister of the Agiel. as your sister, i beg you not to do that."
of course, in the story they forgive each other and get back together. and they finally have the wedding that they have been dreaming of.
would it be foolish of me to still believe in fairy tales after all that has happened? how can i hold on to my dreams? what should i believe in now?
have been talking with a new friend lately. i e-mailed him a copy of this other article i wrote during my birthday last year. might as well continue to share it with the world.
Birthday Blues
There is one day in every year that's supposed to be your special day -- your birthday. But for me, more often than not, this is usually the time of year when I get the birthday blues.
When you are a child, a birthday is always something to look forward to. It becomes a special day full of fun, laughter, and surprises. You can expect a party where all your family and friends will be gathered, noisily singing "Happy Birthday" and sharing in your happiness. A birthday cake and lots of balloons complete the setup. And don't forget the gifts. This was always my favorite part. You finally receive a coveted toy that you've been not-so-subtly hinting at for weeks on end.
On your day, everyone conspires to make you feel special. It starts with a surprise when you wake up until a final birthday greeting when you are tucked in at night. But as you grow older, birthdays become less of a big deal. And this is when the birthday blues first start to occur.
It begins subtly at first. You feel a little twinge of disappointment when you wake up and there's no birthday surprise. No gift at your seat at the breakfast table, no balloons or flowers to start your day. But everything becomes all right when your family greets you and reminds you of the exciting birthday party you have scheduled for the afternoon.
A year or so later, your parents plan a simple family get-together for your birthday instead of the McDonald's Under The Sea party package that you were hoping for. You feel let down, but your parents tell you that they know you'll understand, what with your family's economic situation and all. And soon, you start to forego the party altogether in lieu of a gift or two.
That is when you start to notice that you don't look forward to your birthday as much as you used to. Then, you start feeling a bit down on or slightly before your special day. Until the full-fledged birthday blues set in.
I remember one particularly severe attack of the birthday blues back in college. It was my birthday and my best friend was also feeling depressed for reasons of her own. The two of us had such a sobfest in the back of a bus while on our way home. It was a good thing she happened to have a chocolate dessert with her so we were able to cheer ourselves up somehow. (Chocolate always seems to work well that way.)
Lately, my birthday blues haven't been that bad. Although I still don't feel happy and excited on my birthday which most people expect me to be. A few weeks before my birthday I start hoping that this year will be different. But then my birthday finally rolls around and nothing has changed. The world still looks the same, maybe even a bit duller than usual. I start getting depressed and I become hypersensitive about every little thing. It's another classic case of the birthday blues.
I've come to realize that the birthday blues occur not because of the lack of a celebration, or gifts, or anything of the sort. It is not the gifts themselves, but what they stand for. When a lot of effort goes into making your birthday special, you feel that you are special too.
Consequently, when your birthday doesn't seem to mean much, you somehow get the sense that maybe you're not that important either.
So how do you get past these feelings? I'm still trying to figure that one out. Maybe the first step is to acknowledge your feelings and to do something constructive to get it out of your system. That's what I did, and the result is what you're reading right now.
Another possible strategy is to count the hours until your birthday is over. And when the day after your birthday finally dawns, the world as you know it will still be the same. But at least it isn't your birthday anymore. So the feeling of sadness doesn't count as the birthday blues. It's just plain old depression. But that's another story altogether.
just got home from a friend's family's celebration. naka-semi-formal nga ako, but i guess i was a bit overdressed. hindi tuloy ako makasayaw because of my dress. oh well. dami pang kwento, pero tomorrow nalang.
here's another that's too close to home. not that he went out with anyone else in my knowledge. it's just this comment that got to me.
i KNOW this guy! but not as his girlfriend. in fact, there are lots of guys out there like this one...i call them the silent cassanovas. they're the strong, silent types that are so irresistible to us girls. they seem perfect -- intelligent and sensitive, that's why we women feel betrayed when they act like snakes in the grass.
although i don't think of him as a snake in the grass. my friends probably do. and no, i'm not in denial. i realize that there is a reason that he came into my life. something that i could learn only from him. and he has reasons for what he did and how he reacted. i don't know what those reasons are, and i don't know if you could consider them valid. basta he has his reasons.
i don't want to think about all this anymore. i'm happy now.
honestly, not as happy as i was during our first few months together. but still, happier than the past few months.
i am looking forward to regaining that level of happiness soon. not necessarily with him or with any guy, but with myself. and with God. Ü
i found this article on Peyups. hayy. i don't know why i continue to read stuff like that. stuff about love relationships not working out. i was talking to a friend on the phone before she visited here. syempre the topic went to him. (i'm not sure how to refer to him here in the public blog. basta, him, the one i broke up with.) and to breakups. she told me that she knew at least 7 couples that broke up in the month of March. and her brother knew at least 20 or so. (i can't remember exactly.) and her brother's friend knew of 60 (yeah, i'm sure of this figure!) couples that broke up. all in March of this year. i joked that i had started a trend, since the breakup was on March 1. why i still remember the date it happened i have no idea. anyway, what she told me was just too freaky. we even wondered if maybe it was an astrological thing. like the wrong planet moved into the wrong sign or something, and a lot of people were affected. wala lang, its hard to think of another explanation eh. coincidence lang ba? more than 60 couples?
oh well. times are a-changing, that we know for sure.
i am looking through a lot of other blogs lately. so many blogs! overwhelming.
makes me think though. what drives people to write? well i guess people have been keeping journals for years now. but why post it online?
and of course, these questions are best directed at myself. so why do i write? and why make it public for everyone to see? will be composing an answer sometime soon. but for now, let's just kick back and surf. Ü
i noticed that i have been more conscious of the way i write here. and it's quite difficult to avoid names. hmm. i'll have to rethink my standards on that policy.
i seem to be trying to make myself seem more interesting by the way i write. hey, wait a minute. i am interesting.Ü take me as i am, world. Ü
i just finished reading The Celestine Prophecy. cool book. it's about this manuscript discovered in Peru which basically tells us the meaning of life. of course, the government and the church are against it and are doing everything they can to suppress it. i am making this sound like an action thriller or something, but it actually isn't.
of more importance are the insights that the manuscript brings. and the manner that you encounter each insight. part of the first insight is about coincidences. funny, since the book came to me through an unusual route. i had heard the title last week during the last CWG meeting. then yesterday one of my co-workers (that sounds too impersonal, she's not only a co-worker she's also a friend. and she might be reading this. hehe.Ü) brought it with her. so i started to read it during my free time that day. i found it so interesting i read about half of the book before the day ended. she brought it again earlier today, so i borrowed it and finished reading it a while ago.
it makes you rethink your life, its meaning, your relationships with others, your attitudes and so much more. definitely a recommended read. unless you're perfectly happy with the way your life is going now. but if you're somehow restless and searching for something more, maybe this book will offer a broader perspective on life. don't be turned off by the seeming seriousness of the title. it's an easy read.
and no, i don't get any commission from plugging it like this on my blog. hehe.Ü
i went to the CWG meeting again today. it really helps to talk things out with like minded people. the conversation was more free flowing this time and i felt more at ease with them. my mom still wasn't comfortable letting me go, though. oh well. me big girl now. Ü
hyper pa tuloy ako ngayon. dami kong kinukulit sa channel.
may EB daw sa Sunday. i want to go, miss ko na nga yung iba kong friends don. but my problem is, its the despedida of my best friend on the same day. she'll be leaving for the US on May 9. so i really have to prioritize this outing. and hello! its my best friend! i'm really going to miss her. *sigh*
on Saturday, we also have another gimmick to go to. despedida/graduation/silver anniversary. heheh. what a combination, huh? despedida ng kabarkada ko (ang dami namang aalis sa barkada namin), graduation ng younger brother niya na kaklase ng kapatid ko, tapos silver anniversary ng parents niya. o diba? bongga! semi-formal pa! hehe. it's a nice excuse to dress up though. i must remember to bring my camera!
oh well. that's it for now. balik muna akow sa mga kakulitan ko dun sa mirc. hehe. Ü
cool! i like Rogue, she's my favorite X-men character. the only thing i don't like is the part about no physical contact... well, maybe that's my life for now. not for long though. (you see, i really am optimistic about the future.) Ü
