Tuesday, April 30, 2002

darn. my public blog is all ready for launching, and blogger has a problem. my other blogs work fine, but it's this one that can't seem to publish properly. so much for a grand opening of sorts. and another thing that's frustrating, i still can't seem to fix the resolution thingie of the monitor. when i surf the colors are all pixelated and yucky. heheh. i'm asking some friends on the channel for advice. hopefully things will work out.

posted by Ina N at 11:23 PM

Monday, April 29, 2002

just to share... here's an article i wrote soon after the breakup.

Of Love and Fairy Tales


I am 22 years old, and I still believe in fairy tales. Rather, I used to until just very recently.

Back in high school, everyone believed that things can happen just like in fairy tales. We believed that our prince charming was out there, searching for us. And one day he would come and rescue us and we would live happily ever after. But life’s events can change our view of things, and one by one each of my friends lost that vision. Except me. I held on to that hope, listening to my friends’ stories of heartbreak and loss, but never letting it affect my idealism.

Then, one day, my prince charming arrived. Our love story seemed like a dream come true. I was his princess and he was my knight in shining armor. We were so ecstatically happy together. And that’s how I thought it would always be.
But I guess I was wrong to assume that I was immune to heartbreak and pain. Because somewhere along the line, things changed. He had less and less time for me, and I became more and more clinging. Until things came to a point that I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I broke up with him. And that shattered my fairy tale dream.

In the end, I cannot say it was entirely his fault. Nor was it entirely mine. My prince truly was wearing armor, an emotional armor tough as any steel. It was part of what attracted me to him initially because it made him seem strong. But it kept him isolated from me and prevented him from fully sharing his life with me. He had to be tough, and shut me out instead of turning to me when times were difficult. As for me, I saw him as my prince come to rescue me from my tower of insecurity. At first, he was only too willing to rescue me and carry me away from that dreadful place. But as the journey lengthened, he realized that I had brought my troubles with me and he couldn’t carry me and my issues forever.

I remember a bedtime story he told me when we were still getting to know each other. The story was about a princess who just happened to have the same first name as I do. She had a hundred suitors clamoring for her attention. (Hey, this was his idea, not mine.) Now there was a dragon that was sowing terror in the kingdom, and so the king promised the princess’ hand in marriage to whomever could slay the dragon. Each of the hundred suitors attempted to do so, but none of them succeeded. At this point, I interrupted the story with, “And so the princess got fed up by the ineptitude of her suitors. She took a lance and went and slayed the dragon herself. The End.” Of course, this was not exactly what he had in mind. In the story, there came a certain Prince James (which happens to be his middle name, I just didn’t know it yet at the time) who came from a faraway kingdom. He heard of the kingdom’s dilemma and he had heard stories about the beautiful princess. So he left his kingdom and went to slay the dragon. Of course, he succeeded and Prince James and Princess Corina got married and lived happily ever after.

But I guess I got the story right the first time. He can’t slay my demons for me, I have to do that for myself. I have to be able to conquer my fears and insecurities. And this experience, although heartbreaking and painful, is helping me do that. I have realized that he is not a necessity in my life. I can survive without him. My worth as a person does not depend on whether or not there is a prince charming in my life. I have my accomplishments, my work, my friends, my family, my own life to live.

Having said that, it doesn’t mean that I am not willing to share my life with him. On the contrary. But if I must slay my own dragon, he must also remove his armor. He has to be able to show me his vulnerable side, and talk about his feelings, his past, his troubles and worries. He has to be able to share both good and bad times with me. He has to be able to trust me enough to do this.

And if this happens, if we both do our parts, then maybe the next story can be about the prince and the princess getting back together. I don’t expect it to be a fairy tale anymore, I know there will continue to be difficult times. But maybe somehow we’ll make it through together. And the love story will have a happy ending. I may not believe in fairy tales anymore, but I’m still a sucker for happy endings. Ü

posted by Ina N at 6:53 PM

and for my first real post, an edited version of my update of my life. Ü


i went to the Conversations With God meeting last Thursday even if my mom didn't really want me to go. it was time for me to do my own thing. it was ok, it was nice to talk to people who agree with the principles in the book. they're all older than me, but it turned out ok. i couldn't stay long since i had to go pick my sister up afterwards, she couldn't commute home since the tricycle drivers were on a strike.

i won't talk about work here right now, so i'll just skip to other events in my life.

Saturday evening, a couple of my friends dropped by the house. some of my other friends had just dropped by last Sunday. everyone seems to be dropping by for a visit. Ü

after that, i went to the CLP of Singles for Christ. it was ok, nothing new or exciting. oh well. we'll see if i still want to continue attending.

yesterday was a good day. we ate out at Bon Apetit at ATC for lunch. my sister's friend was still with us, since she stayed overnight. i swear, my sister's thesis mates are really like part of the family now. anyways, it was a buffet lunch. i loved the pasta with shrimp, scallops, and pigeon na sauce. and we had crepes! two to be exact. there wasn't any mango, so i settled for peach and banana. then for the second crepe, i created a banana crepe masterpiece. good thing my appetite seems to be back in full force now. Ü

we also went to Powerbooks. and yes, even though there wasn't any sale anymore, i indulged myself in a couple of books. i didn't have any money, so i used my handy-dandy EPS card. heheh. i better not get used to doing that too often.

another thing i forgot to mention. when i went to the CWG meeting at the Podium, i took the opportunity to buy the puzzle i had seen there when i was there previously. it's the puzzle of the two angels painted by Rafael on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. i just love that particular scene, i can't pinpoint exactly why. anyway, i started completing it on Friday. i started at 8 pm and worked on it straight until 3:30am! i have been working on it again last night and today. i've finished the borders and the two angels, now all that remains is the background. this is the tough part now.

there was something i realized as i was doing the puzzle. it made me appreciate even more the importance of the process. i felt like i was the puzzle that i was completing. it may take time before i complete the masterpiece of my life, and i may not know exactly where each piece fits at the moment, but each part has its place and it will all fit together to make a wonderful creation. i just have to trust that it will, and take joy in the process of becoming. Ü

posted by Ina N at 4:32 AM

i am beginning to realize that i will write differently in this blog. just thinking about actually having an audience makes me a bit conscious about what i will immortalize here. oh well. maybe not that many people will be reading anyway.

normally, i would have started this blog on a more auspcious date. like the first of the month or something. my detailed blog, which i shall now refer to as my online journal, was started on New Year's Day. but i guess i didn't want to wait that long before starting this one. oh well. it doesn't really matter anyway.

posted by Ina N at 4:14 AM